10/12/'98

Fell asleep just past 2, checking J's code.  Something wrong—seem to 
be getting a phobic reaction in D.  Attaches to something different 
each time:  snow, clown, long hair (twice in sims), loud noises.  J 
says this would be normal, adds verisimilitude.  I think we can go 
better than normal.  Real kids are haunted; terrible to inflict that 
unnecessarily.

At first I didn't know I was dreaming—still in same seat in front of 
screen, sims scrolling.  Then the sim gui started to … coagulate.  
Felt terrible dread in my chest, about to see something unspeakable.  
Tried to look away, couldn't.  Heartbeat wild, insides melting with 
horror as the screen thickened into—

S.

Time stopped.

S looking at me.  Not angry anymore.  Younger.  Happy.  And I felt 
forgiven.

—and in a heartbeat knew it was a dream, felt myself sliding out.  
Tried to stay, tried as hard as I could, staring at that younger 
face.  Give anything not to wake up.  Would have given my life in a 
second to stay there in that moment.

Then J. swore on the other side of the lab & I woke up.